I am Lord Voldemort: Evil Overlord
by chineseartist
Summary: Lord Voldemort found and read Peter's Evil Overlord List , a.k.a. The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord…..and took it to heart.
1. Chapter 1

**I am Lord Voldemort: Evil Overlord**

**Disclaimer**: My disclaimer for all my fics can be found on my author page. Please read it, it should be interesting.

**Note**: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at (or you could google peter's evil overlord list, or whatever your preferred search engine is)...

**Summary**: Lord Voldemort found and read Peter's Evil Overlord List©, a.k.a. The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord…..and took it to heart.

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**Number 5**: _The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness._

"See, Potter! Even Dumbledore would be hard-pressed to locate my Horcruxes now!"

**Number 6**: _I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them._

"Damn it! This takes all the fun out of my job!"

**Number 7**: _When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."_

"Tell me, Tom, what scheme have you concocted this time?"

"Avada Kedavra! Screw you, Dumbledore!"

**Number 10**: _I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well._

"Death Eaters, take these prisoners to the interrogation chambers. And remember, the ones in France, not the basement!"

**Number 11**: _I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat._

"Friends, we have stolen Voldemort's journal that contains the locations for his Horcruxes! Now, armed with this knowledge, we are that much closer to defeating him!"

"Headmaster, I think you should take another look at this before making such sweeping statements."

"Of course, you are quite right Severus. Let us see….. '_Dumbledore, did you really think I was that stupid?_'"

**Number 12**: _One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is __able to spot will be corrected before implementation._

"My Lord?"

"We shall have to return to the drawing board before we attempt to infiltrate Hogwarts. It seems as though the child has discovered a flaw in our approach. Now, I suggest that we alter the plans to include a simultaneous assault on Hogsmead, the Ministry, and Diagon Alley. The Aurors will be split and with the chaos at each location, so we can take advantage of…."

**Number 16**: _I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."_

"You know, Potter, I'm curious about something….Avada Kedavra! Oh well, guess I'll never know whether you wore boxers or briefs."

**Number 20**: _Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly._

"Mwahahahahahaha—gah-COUGH! Hmph, damn, not another hairball."

**Number 21**: _I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm-troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set._

_Take one_: "So, my Lord, what look are you going for with your forces? Something dashing to catch the eye, intimidating with a sense of strength, or menacingly terrifying?"

_Take two_: "Black uniforms are so two seasons ago. Don't you know that lime green is the new black?"

_Take three_: "Look at it this way. Yes, it has muggle origins, but really, we've lost several recruits in the past week alone because of these damn boots. And don't get me started on the robes. I can't wear them outside and I have to be careful when taking corners. Now, these flat-bottomed sneakers…."

_Take four_: "Dear Pierre, you and your store _The Cutting Edge_ have been selected in a lottery drawing to design the new uniforms of Lord Voldemort's army. You are required to arrive at [undisclosed location] at 4 pm on the 10th to discuss the specifications of said uniforms, and have at least three viable designs to present to His Lordship by the 20th. Legal disclaimer: We are in no way responsible for your ensuing death if your designs include the following: fur, feathers, beads, sequins, "bling", ruffles, more than one belt, pleather, underwear on the outside, tights, latex, lace, …."

**Number 22**: _No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head._

"Lucius, it's just not going to work. And that glow it's producing doesn't seem magical. Even Severus doesn't have a clue how I'd absorb the Merlin damned thing! We'll move on to the next plan."

**Number 24**: _I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)_

"Death Eaters, I have heard some of you speaking of confronting the Order and the Ministry. At this point in time, the Ministry and the Order are succeeding in maintaining public morale. As such, recruitment is down. We shall be making several strategic, small-scale strikes, not only to shake the public's confidence in Dumbledore and the Aurors, but to also cause confusion in the ranks and capture key members of the opposition or their families. In this way, we shall regain the upper hand!"

**Number 26**: _No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber._

"Decisions, decisions,….male or female? Blond, brunette, redhead? Friend or foe? Hmm…..well, they say blonds have more fun. Lucius!"

**Number 28**: _My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble._

"…and so, we will strike terror into the hearts of the cringing public, and the Ministry will be powerless to stop us. Dumbledore's little phoenixes will tremble in fear, and I will-THUD!"

"My Lord!" "What happened?" "Is he alright?"

"It seems Nagini escaped from her rooms and decided to come see what was causing all the noise."

**Number 29**:_ I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion._

"I don't know how Dumbledore does this, but I know it works!"

**Number 32**: _I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by._

"Oh, Wormtail…"

**Number 34**: _I will not turn into a snake. It never helps._

"My Lord, what happened to your appearance? You look so…different."

"With Severus' help, I created a potion to return me to a more human appearance."

"Of course, my Lord, but Elvis Presley…?"

**Number 37**: _If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant._

"My Lord! The Order and the Aurors are overwhelming us!"

"What!"

**Number 39**: _If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army._

"My Lord, you will lead us into battle?"

"No, Lucius. Dumbledore would expect that. He also expects me to pick a fight with him. Well, we'll show him. This time, I will place myself on the rooftops of Diagon Alley and provide spellfire coverage from above and I will be able to scatter groups of defenders. The sniping should keep them off balance, and Dumbledore won't know what hit him!"

**Number 41**: _Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices._

"By order of His Lordship, Voldemort, the Department of Mysteries is to be disbanded. Destruction of the following items will be commenced once a total accounting has come to a close: prophecies, time-turners,…"

**Number 52**: _I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about._

"My Lord, we have contracted Gringotts to perform a survey of Hogwarts and update the wards. They have promised to find every single entry and exit to the castle, though they did request the presence of either yourself of Nagini for certain portions of their sweep, as they suspect that Lord Slytherin included parselmagic in some of the castle wards."

**Number 60**: _My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords._

"My Lord, the child suggests that the following words or phrases be nixed from the password lists: snake, Slytherin, Salazar, Death Eater, Voldemort, serpent, death, blood, die Dumbledore, kill Potter, deception, traitor,…"

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Note: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at /lists/overlord (or you could google peter's evil overlord list, or whatever your preferred search engine is.


	2. Chapter 2

**I am Lord Voldemort: Evil Overlord**

**Disclaimer**: My disclaimer for all my fics can be found on my author page. Please read it, it should be interesting.

**Note**: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at . (or you could google Peter's Evil Overlord list, or whatever your preferred search engine is)…listings higher than 100 can be found in The Dungeon (Cell Block A or B).

**Summary**: Lord Voldemort found and read Peter's Evil Overlord List©, a.k.a. The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord…..and took it to heart.

**»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»**

**Number 61**: _If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme," I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them._

"At this point, it's not about winning. Our victory draws closer with every hour that passes. This is about pissing Dumbledore off."

**Number 63**: _Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals._

"Lucius, contact Gringotts. I need to contract them to build an incinerator."

**Number 64**: _I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage._

"Yes, doctor, I do have frequent urges to torture and massacre adults, children, small furry animals, and Teletubbies. But that's not why I'm here…"

**Number 71**: _If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no._

"Snape, you've have been a marked Death Eater for half your life. The majority of that period, you have been a 'double-agent' for Dumbledore. You joined because you believed in my ideals.

"At one time, you asked me to grant you a boon, that of sparing Lily Potter's life. I gave her a chance that has never been granted before, one that she rejected. Since then, you have certainly been Dumbledore's spy more than mine. That ends today. Choose – me or Dumbledore?"

**Number 73**: _I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win._

"What do you mean 'look at the Triwizard Tournament'? I orchestrated the whole thing, but even you should understand the unusual circumstances that occur to my enemies, especially that little cockroach Potter. It's like his ancestors were cursed to live in interesting times!"

**Number 75**: _I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time._

"Death Eaters, dog-pile on Dumbledore!"

**Number 77**: _If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer._

"Potter, you have been a disgustingly annoying pain in the arse since your infantile years. However, I may have a proposition for you. Lucius, would you debrief Team Thestral, they've just port-keyed in from their mission in Lancaster? I'll deal with Potter myself."

**Number 78**: _I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."_

"Look, I want to kill Potter more than all of you and if you can capture him an bring him to me for his ensuing torture and death, great! But if he's being stubborn as usual and you have the chance to turn him into a corpse, please do so, and save us all some trouble."

**Number 81**: _If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw._

"Mad-eye, I didn't fall off the turnip wagon last night."

**Number 91**: _I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important._

"Stop groveling and spit it out, Wormtail."

**Number 94**: _When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value._

"Today, recruits, we'll be going over procedures and protocol in regards to capture and detainment. When you surprise the insurrectionists, it is important to follow these protocols. One: SSB = stun, silence, and bind. Specifically, use the incantations '_stupefy_', '_silencio_', and '_incarcerous_.' If you are unfamiliar with the particular spells necessary or require further practice to master them, please sign up for the basic spells seminar or for a practice session in the dueling chambers. It's much better to just sign up for this now than it is to go on your mission and be unprepared. I'm not the one who'll kill you. Either the insurrectionist or Voldemort will take care of it."

**Number 97**: _My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled._

"Yes, I want this dungeon to be as dank, dark, and depressing as is physically possible. Big stone blocks in dark grays and lots of black iron. That also means mildew, low ceilings, small windows, large bars – and don't forget the shackles."

**Number 103**: _I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any._

"According to Merriam-Webster, mercy is defined as compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; lenient or compassionate treatment; and further as a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion. If I chose to show mercy, it would be the latter. _Avada Kedavra_!"

**Number 104**: _My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes._

"Look, Lucius, the point of undercover spies and secret armies is that they can't be easily identifiable by the Aurors. Easily detectable tattoos just aren't going to cut it, though I do like the snake and skull design. Now, tattoos that are invisible, that's an idea I'm willing to work with."

**Number 106**: _If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this._

"My Lord, the Order is storming the building, and the Aurors are right behind them!"

"Damn it! Everyone, evacuate via portkey. Activate: Serpensortia!"

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Note: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at . (or you could google peter's evil overlord list, or whatever your preferred search engine is)…listings higher than 100 can be found in The Dungeon (Cell Block A or B).


	3. Chapter 3

**I am Lord Voldemort: Evil Overlord**

**Disclaimer**: My disclaimer for all my fics can be found on my author page. Please read it, it should be interesting.

**Note**: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at eviloverlord .com(or google peter's evil overlord list, or you could use your preferred search engine).

**Summary**: Lord Voldemort found and read Peter's Evil Overlord List©, a.k.a. The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord…..and took it to heart.

**»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»**

Epilogue

"…_and so it was that the Lord, called Voldemort, did conquer Britain and all of her holdings at the end of the 20__th__ century._

"_In the later years of his reign, Lord Voldemort spoke of the trials he underwent as he travelled the world, studying the arts rare and arcane. Upon his return to Britain, the then headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry declined his lordships application to share and teach his magicks and what followed was his descent into madness, which he has acknowledged was greatly due to his attempted immortality via horcrux (see Intermediate Magical History, entry: Herpo the Foul for further information). _

"_Once the Dark Lord's sanity was healed with the reunification of his soul, he undertook the study of the great literature on the nature of war, revolution, and rule. In one interview with his biographer, Lord Voldemort is reported as saying that he had a 'revelation on the recurring similarities in the defeats of Dark Lords over the centuries. Once the major pitfalls were identified, it was much easier to plan around such occurrences. From there, it was only a matter of time.'_

"_Lord Voldemort is currently on hiatus from the tedium of the day to day rule of the United European Empire of Magick. While he is still available to the upper administration in case of emergency, the Dark Lord plans to reconnect with the magicks of the world, travelling by himself all over the world. He is not scheduled to resume his public position for fifty years, until 2315."_

**»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»**

Note: Peter's Evil Overlord List is copyrighted, and can be found in its entirety at eviloverlord .com (or google peter's evil overlord list, or you could use your preferred search engine).


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